
PART 1 ARTICLE 23 AUDIO FILE IN FOOTER ♫
We all desire joyful lives, don’t we? But joy isn’t something that arrives on its own; it’s a gift we must actively work toward, often requiring a fundamental shift in how we think and what we believe.
Our thoughts can either block joy or pave the way for it. Emotions like anger, hatred, and rigid expectations can shackle us to the past, while forgiveness serves as the only true path forward. Without embracing a journey of forgiveness, joy will remain elusive. Reflecting on the words of Jack Kornfield, “Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past.” Realizing this can set us on the road to healing.
The Weight of past pain and the “if only” fantasy
Many of us carry the heavy burden of unresolved pain from past relationships, perhaps holding onto “if only” fantasies. These thoughts create an internal cloud, feeding a cycle of depression, distrust, and limiting beliefs. While acknowledging these emotions is necessary, lingering on them restricts our lives, keeping us tethered to old hurts. The journey toward emotional healing and joy calls us to let go of these burdens as soon as we possibly can, for the past cannot be rewritten; it remains what it was.

Using Forgiveness as the Path to Emotional Healing
Forgiving ourselves and others is an ongoing practice that can lead to self-compassion and growth. Holding onto resentment only binds us to a cycle of suffering. Replaying “Why did they do this?” or “If only things had been different”, only keeps us trapped in an imagined life. Moving forward requires completely letting go of the “if only.”. If you can’t forgive, you can’t move forward. It’s that simple.
The Fear of Forgiving and Releasing the Relationship
Forgiveness is often resisted because it feels like absolving someone of their hurtful actions. But holding onto anger only harms us; the person who caused the pain likely moved on, leaving us bound to the past.
We may also fear that forgiveness could expose us to future harm. Softening our hearts might lead us to invite that person back into our lives, risking renewed pain. But part of self-compassion involves recognizing when to release the relationship entirely. Leaving can offer both parties a chance to reflect on their suffering and open the door to growth.

If you can’t accept someone as he is, allowing him back isn’t forgiveness — it’s self-destruction. True forgiveness means releasing expectations of who we wanted him to be and accepting him as he is. This truth, though difficult, can set us free.
Understanding the Source of Harm: A Compassionate Perspective
Often, those who hurt us act out of their own suffering, and their actions say more about them than about us. Recognizing this truth helps to shift anger into compassion, creating a pathway for joy to re-enter our lives. Viewing others through a compassionate lens allows us to understand their actions while freeing us from the cycle of resentment.
A Personal Journey of Forgiveness
I want to share my own journey of forgiveness with my mother. She was one of the saddest people I’ve known. Filling her emptiness with alcohol and prescription drugs temporarily numbed her pain but they also unleashed the darker aspects of her personality. Children of alcoholics tend to take blame for the pervasive unhappiness, something the parent encourages. Over years of introspection, however, I realized her manipulation, anger and passive aggressive behavior were reflections of her own suffering and had little to do with me.

From an early age, her self-worth became tied to illness and pain due to a year-long hospitalization as a baby. Though she eventually recovered from a childhood health condition, she continued to associate being sick and in pain with being loved. This lingering identity as someone who was unwell shaped her life. The usual human maladies that most of us ignore were tragedies. She didn’t have pain, she was in agony. Death and destruction was always right around the corner.
For children of alcoholics, life becomes a cycle of confusion and unmet expectations. We tried so hard to make our parents happy, hoping the rare, good times will last, and despair when they don’t. “Next time, I’ll do better. One day, Mom will be happy,” we think. But no matter how hard we try, we can never fill an alcoholic parent’s void.
My path to forgiveness took years and not only involved deep compassion for her suffering but compassion for myself finally recognizing that her unhappiness was not my fault.
The Process of Forgiveness
Forgiveness, especially of a parent, isn’t a simple mental exercise. Though I could intellectually understand my mother’s struggles in my 20s, emotional forgiveness didn’t emerge until much later. This journey required relinquishing the hope that she would become the ideal mother I had longed for.
As Wayne Muller writes, “What we are forgiving is not the act, the violence, or the neglect…We are forgiving their suffering, their confusion, their unskillfulness…Through forgiveness, we are all set free to go our own way and follow our own destiny.
Finding Joy in Forgiveness
Without my mother being who she was, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Embracing forgiveness allowed me to see her best qualities and let go of painful memories. Buddhist wisdom teaches that each person has an inherent core that is wise, loving, and good. In her final days, I glimpsed this side of her, and it is this version I choose to remember now.


True forgiveness becomes possible only after experiencing and releasing the grief, anger, and sorrow connected to old relationships. Releasing expectations is essential to accepting it for what it truly was. Only when resentment transforms into compassion does freedom and a more joyful life become possible — When all is said and done, forgiveness is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.